Ideas for Fair Fighting

No matter how perfect you think your relationship is, you will have days when you fight with your partner. Whether the disagreements occur over money, another person, or something he does that just really irks you, use some basic ground rules when you fight. These ground rules are designed to help you work toward a resolution rather than making a fight bigger than necessary.

  1. Alternate Statements

    • A fight arises when two people have different points of view they are passionate about. Instead of yelling and screaming over each other, pause and take turns speaking. Be specific as possible with each issue bothering you. Once someone lays an issue on the table, the other person has a chance to respond before her turn to share what is bothering her. By working back and forth with alternating statements, you will give each other the respect to speak and be heard.

    Timing

    • In the heat of the moment, both parties might become increasingly passionate about their point of view. Instead of letting the argument continue to escalate, pause and ask your partner whether you can speak about the issue at another time --- especially if the fight is occurring in a public place or in front of your kids. However, so you don't avoid the conflict all together, pick a specific time and place where you will resume the discussion, and stick to it.

    Off Limits

    • People find certain subjects too personal to discuss. In the midst of a fight, these issues can exacerbate the argument or be seen as cheap shots if one party brings them up. In a moment when the two of you are not fighting, share with your partner the issues that are just too personal to bring up, such as being fired from a job or losing a family member. That way, in the heat of the argument, a level of trust exists between the two of you. Also, choosing to remove these issues from the argument helps keep it on track and, ideally, working toward a resolution.

    Change the Location

    • Sometimes the location of a fight can serve as a lightning rod for the fight itself. If the disagreement starts there, it can leave a momentary bad taste in your mouth. Go to another location where the two of you can talk it out. Ideas include state and town parks, outside in a parking lot or even over a cup of coffee at a coffee shop. The change of the location will change the mood. Also, it allows time to pass before the discussion resumes.

    One Thing

    • Because a fight arises when two people have differing points of view, sometimes it means both parties feel the other should be doing something else about the issue at hand. As a result, both parties feel they have been heard and are working toward a solution, agree that each of you will work on one issue once the conflict is over. For example, if money has been tight, one party might agree to stop eating lunch out, while the other decides to skip the weekly poker game. Each party working on one issue allows each of you to respect and appreciate the other party's efforts.