How to Draw a Penalty in Ice Hockey

There are a number of character types in hockey. There is the "goon," a rather unskilled player, good with his fists, and willing to read comic books while serving 10 minutes for misconduct. There are the "instigators," always in the middle of things. There are also a rarer class of player, the "wiley coyotes" who always seem to be shrugging and looking innocent as an opponent gets sent to the box. These guys are the ultimate penalty producers--for the other team.

Instructions

    • 1

      Get tapes or film of Gordy Howe. Study his every move. See how he became a genius at knowing when referees were not looking. Learn every little nuance, every subtle push, every disguised trip that drove his opponents to distraction.

    • 2

      Learn about your opponents. Review the studies of personality types that are prone to commit major penalties. Have one or two targets in mind before every game.

    • 3

      Study the personal history of your targets. Learn the names of their wives and girlfriends. Find out what sorts of things they love off the ice.

    • 4

      Practice talking with your mouthpiece in place. Not wearing it risks the loss of whatever teeth you have left. But being unable to speak intelligibly with it in place makes taunting difficult. No one gets angry when someone says to him, "Nghphthr snorkley phthphth."

    • 5

      As the game progresses, set the stage for your target's penalty. Begin with a push. Follow with a Gordy Howe special--a stick butt to the ribs while setting up for a faceoff.

    • 6

      When you're ready to draw the penalty, open up the psychological toolbox. Pretend like you're catching your breath and say something vicious like, "You know what? Celine Dion sings off-key."

    • 7

      Make sure the referee is watching when you add, "She can't carry Beyonce's handbag."