Don't Be That Guy

If the 2011 National Football League lockout was stressful on fans and players who thought they would miss the game, it was downright stomach-churning for those who thought they'd miss the "pre" game.

Those folks are the fans who place as great an emphasis on tailgating as the game itself. They were faced with the possibility of Sundays bereft of barbecue and beer in the shadow of a stadium.

Thankfully, those fears were for naught. Pro football got its legal act together and started on schedule. The first week of the season was full of big moments and big mistakes by the players. The same could be said of the tailgaters.

Some have identified basic guidelines for a successful tailgate experience and can pull it off without much trouble. Then there's "that guy," the kind who just doesn't get it. It could be a guy treating the tailgate like a private party. He could be the moocher who never kicks in anything in the way of beverages or food, or it could be the one who always manages to get his shirt off within the first 15 minutes of the tailgate. If you don't want to be "that guy," the veterans have grilled up some tips for a better tailgate experience.

All in Good Fun

Proper tailgating etiquette depends on if your fellow tailgaters uphold a “live and let live” mentality or want the tailgate to be a wholesome, family-fun affair.

Jason “Bubba” Saldivar believes in the former approach. Saldivar and his two brothers founded the Bull’s Eye Tailgaters crew, which gets out for all of Houston Texans' home games. The group, which includes some of the brothers' childhood friends, beat out five other national tailgating teams to win the 2011 Bing National Tailgating Championship. Each team was judged on four categories: food, team spirit and atmosphere, parking lot agility and sports trivia. Saldivar believes his team won based on the strength of its food (bacon-wrapped filets, buffalo wings, ribs, brisket, Cajun-stuffed pork tenderloin, stuffed jalapenos and boudin) and atmosphere.

Saldivar knows about "that guy," but he doesn't enforce a lot of rules at his get-togethers.

“We’re better on the 'do’s,'” Saldivar said with a laugh.

As of 2011, the crew averages 90 people for its tailgates. Their area includes an eight-prong beer bong, a 20-foot inflatable projection television for those who don’t have seats for the game, and a hand-built wooden bar to contribute a saloon-like feel to the festivities.

Saldivar’s "don’ts" for game-day action are more along the lines of “Don’t leave your tickets at the house” and “Don’t run out of food or drinks.” Saldivar’s philosophy melds nicely with his No. 1 "don't": Don't take it all so seriously.

This prescription goes for the ultra-serious tailgaters who create or require armbands for entry to their tailgates. It also goes for fans who don’t know the meaning of healthy, good-natured ribbing -- especially with the opposing team’s fans.

Saldivar, a mortgage underwriter, said tailgating is his rallying point for fun with family and friends.

“I deal with enough rules during the week. ... This is a time to cut loose," he said.

"It’s also one of the few places where you can enjoy everybody’s company before the game," Saldivar continued. "We say, ‘The more the merrier.’ I see some people who are locked into their own 10 to 20 people and are kind of closed off. If that’s the case, why not just stay home?”

The Bull’s Eye Tailgater core crew lines up at 6 a.m. at Reliant Stadium. Their eight large vehicles are loaded down with supplies and an Old Smokey grill. Saldivar, who serves as treasurer, says they typically spend about $800 per week on the necessary provisions.

“We’re prepared to feed the masses,” Saldivar said.

Even though he's committed to the carousing side of tailgating, there are a few tailgating mistakes Saldivar would rather not see.

“Spandex is not for everyone -- although sometimes (seeing) that makes tailgating fun too, like, ‘Look at what they’re wearing.’ Or not wearing,” Saldivar said.

Most of Saldivar’s other "don’ts" come from trial-and-error experience. Don’t stand too close to the heater or you might catch on fire (as one Bull’s Eye tailgater did) and don’t park your pit next to your automobile’s fuel tank. Some others are "Don’t get drunk without a ride home," "Don’t forget to tie everything down going to and from the stadium," and "Don’t 'expect' your team to win." (See: Don’t take it too seriously.)

That Kind of Guy

Tailgating is all fun and games until the arrival of the Tailgating Idiot. He is the person who everyone snickers at while, at the same time, they mentally replay the mantra, “Don’t be that guy.” Dave Lamm, creator of tailgatingideas.com, outlined some of the most egregious types.

The “no shirt, no problem” guy -- No matter the weather, this guy loves to tear off his shirt, given the opportunity. Whether it’s to show off his recent tattoo or to try to impress the girls across the way, this guy removes his shirt before you can say, “cheeseball.”

“Crappy store-bought food” guy -- You spent hours prepping a menu of assorted goodness for game day, then slave through the pregame hours cooking it -- only to have the store-bought food guy show up with limp, grocery store coleslaw. Pitching in is a good idea for any tailgater, but put some conscientious thought into what you bring.

The “go long” guys -- These guys wish they were on the field, too. They insist on throwing a ball around, but they tend to create tailgate chaos and destruction such as broken passenger windows and bloody noses. Good tailgaters keep their parking-lot athleticism restricted to beer pong and cornhole.

“Inappropriate music” guy -- Whether it is blaring country music, blaring rap music or blaring polka music, it should be clear what the “don’t” here is. Music selection for your own tailgate is fine; music for half the stadium is not.

The “liquid diet” guy -- Getting hammered is the only thing on this guy’s agenda. Partaking of spirits is fine, but it’s going to be a long day. Pace yourself. Have a chicken wing, drink some water at some point. Don’t be the guy who is slurring and falling down before kickoff.

Inflation Buster

Dave Lamm appreciates a bit more organization when tailgating before his beloved San Diego Chargers' games. Lamm believes so strongly in the power of the well-oiled tailgate that, in 2007, he created the website tailgatingideas.com. It is devoted solely to the tailgating experience.

“There was no resource on the Internet encouraging tailgating responsibly and better; there were only (sites) for commerce,” Lamm said.

Lamm’s tailgating zeal keeps him busy performing product reviews for his website, which has grown to be so successful it has become his full-time job. He test drives new tailgating recipes and advises the masses of some of the best and worst tailgating has to offer. Lamm sees tailgating as a great release from a week of stress and one of the last “great American neighborhoods,” as it evokes an Ozzie-and-Harriet-type feel of going to your next-door neighbor to borrow a cup of sugar. He also calls tailgating a “grid equalizer.”

“I like to call tailgating the grid equalizer because you may not be able to control how much ticket prices are going to be, what the parking costs are, or what a gallon of gas will cost. But you can control what you eat and drink,” Lamm said. “Instead of a $4.50 hot dog and a $9 beer inside, you can control the costs outside, and it helps save money so that you can still pursue the activity of going to the game.”

Lamm estimates he spends around $200 per tailgate, not including his tickets.

When in Doubt, Pace Yourself

Lamm believes every good party has proper protocol, including tailgating. No. 1 on Lamm’s "don’t" list is one that may require some tailgaters to balance a fine and hopefully not blurry line.

“I’m not a stick in the mud, but just don’t get totally, completely hammered,” Lamm said. “Just don’t be that guy, because more than likely you paid a lot for your ticket and now you’re missing (the game). You don’t want to be annoying and obnoxious to those around you. You don’t have to drink all the beer. Coors and Budweiser are going to make more.”

Second on Lamm’s list is "Don't be a moocher."

“Don’t be the guy who shows up empty handed,” Lamm said. “If someone is going to be cool enough to invite you, contribute something to the party. I like to say, ‘It’s a tailgate party not a soup kitchen.'"

Lamm also doesn't care for bad neighbors who won't share and space hogs. A space hog is the guy with one vehicle taking up three spaces.

“Be considerate," Lamm said. "College tailgating may be different, but the NFL has rules because parking lots are finite. If you can’t tailgate from the rear of your vehicle, have friends park close to you.”

Finally, although it may seem simple enough, it occurs frequently: Don't forget the water and ice, advised Lamm.

He recommends that all tailgaters research their prospective stadiums before heading out to the field, just to get the particulars of each lot down pat. Each stadium may have different hours to open and close the lots to tailgaters or different rules about glass use, for example.