How to Insult a Hockey Player

Good sportsmanship be damned; if you feel less than good about a hockey game or player, get ready to let loose with a tirade of icy -- double entendre intended -- zingers. Be warned, letting the tongue loose on a hockey player missing a few front teeth may be hazardous to your health. And never forget the old standard "I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out".

Things You'll Need

  • Health insurance
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Instructions

  1. As a Player

    • 1

      Use the term "brutal" if you are hurling the jibe at a Canadian player. For example "you are brutal at hockey, eh Darcy!" Using the word like this in Canada means the person is a terrible player.

    • 2

      Time your insult. In hockey, as in life, timing is everything. Wait until the fight is over, then skate by the offender when he is in the penalty box and say something disparaging about his wife or mother. Be sure to skate away, knowing full well you have a solid two minutes of play time where you don't have to worry about retribution.

    • 3

      Get down and dirty during a face-off. Again, timing is everything, so a split second before the ref drops the puck, tell the opposing face-off player you saw his wife leaving a restaurant with a professional baseball player.

    As a Spectator

    • 4

      Get tickets right behind the visiting team's bench. Be sure to pepper each and every member of the visiting team with insults pertaining to their lack of hair, teeth, or any hair they don't want. Examples of insulting a player with hair everywhere such as hands, palms, neck or back include "hey, what are you called when you sit in a sauna? A gorilla in the mist!" Be sure to get them as riled up and off balance as possible.

    • 5

      Insult the team colors or logo. Make fun of how the hockey player is wearing cute knee high length stockings.

    • 6

      Research the player you want to pepper with zingers. Find any mistakes, flubs or even arrest records. Be sure to hurl these out in your jocular maxims to embarrass him while he is trying to skate and play. Examples include "Hey Pierre, you know why you can't play hockey? It's because of the time you got arrested for shoplifting Barry Manilow CDs."